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Молодые люди с нетрадиционной ориентацией: как они живут?

В России тема нетрадиционной ориентации — табу. Принятый в 2013 году закон «о пропаганде нетрадиционных сексуальных отношений среди несовершеннолетних», не позволяет СМИ говорить о ЛГБТК+ в положительном ключе. Медиа в стране формируют негативное отношение к нетрадиционным отношениям. «Левада-Центр» заявляет: «Порядка 40% россиян нейтрально относятся к ЛГБТ-людям, однако чуть больше половины населения все же заявляет о своём негативном отношении».

Чтобы лучше понять с какими проблемами сталкиваются ЛГБТК+ персоны, мы взяли у них интервью.

«Я не чувствую себя защищённо абсолютно»

Влад — гей, а ещё он не определился со своим гендером, поэтому пишет о себе во множественном числе

Влад признаются, что его никогда не интересовали девушки, и думать о свей ориентации он начали только после первой влюбленности: «Я начали задумываться об этом ещё в начальной школе. Меня никогда не привлекали девушки, а так как мы растём в гетеронормативном обществе, плюс ещё и токсичная маскулинность, то я даже и не смогли бы спросить: «А это ок что мне не нравятся девушки?». В том же возрасте я перестали об этом думать, но серьёзно я задумались об этом в 6 классе, когда я впервые влюбились в парня. Думать о гендере я начал недавно, в этом году. Я точно не знаю какой гендер мне ближе, поэтому я не заморачиваюсь и использую общее обозначение всех отличных от цисгендерного — небинарные, но полагаю мне ближе агендерная идентичность».

Самое сложное — принять себя, потому что общество с детства навязывает традиционные отношения: «Я постоянно прыгали между асексуальностью и гомосексуальностью. Я думали, что мне никто не нравится, поскольку из-за внутренней гомофобии никак не могли себя принять. А как раз таки принять себя мне помогло, то, что у меня есть близкая подруга, которой я доверяю. Она и её семья приняли меня».

Гомосексуальность Влада стала предметом для издевательств в школе: «Меня буллили в школе. Один класс узнал обо мне, и они все начали избегать меня, огрызаться и кидаться оскорблениями. Хорошо, что это было только в девятом классе, после которого я благополучно ушли».

Он уверены, что это происходит из-за того, что ребятам не рассказывают о людях с нетрадиционной ориентацией: «Дети в школе растут в гетеронормативном обществе, где ЛГБТК+ сообщество – это табу. Они просто иначе не могли относиться к таким как я, потому что банально не знают о нас».

Самая большая проблема — родители. Далеко не все взрослые адекватно реагируют на новость о гомосексуальности детей. Влад боялись агрессии со стороны родителей и не хотели обсуждать с ними свою ориентацию: «Я не планировали с ними об этом разговаривать. О моей ориентации всплывало пару раз случайно, потому что родители нарушают мои личные границы. Они залезли в мой ноутбук, прочитали переписку с парнем, который мне нравился, и выгнали меня из квартиры. Двое суток я жили у подруги, а позже я перебрались к бабушке.

Влад не только не нашли помощи у родителей, но и получили психологическую травму от отчима, издевавшегося над ним: «Летом 2019 года меня оставили в городе, чтобы я отнесли документы в какой-нибудь колледж. Я тогда жили с маминым мужем, который постоянно выпивал и приводил домой женщин. Мать была в отъезде на даче и не знала обо всей этой ситуации. Она часто просила отчима поговорить со мной, чтобы я поступили туда, куда хотели родители, но у него это не получалось. В один момент, когда он был пьян, разговор дошёл до драки.

Следующие пару дней я сидели в комнате с пододвинутой кроватью, чтобы мамин муж не смог зайти в мою комнату. И только когда он уходил, я шли на кухню покушать. С того дня я его ненавижу, и тема секса для меня травматична. У меня было двое знакомых-парней, которые посмеялись над этим».

Люди с нетрадиционной ориентацией не могут открыто показывать свои чувства, потому что боятся, что гомофобы могут навредить им и партнеру: «Я были у подруг, а мне нравился парень, которого они позвали. Мы посмотрели у них фильм, выпили, поели роллов. Всё как у обычных друзей. И этот друг решил меня проводить, а чтобы я случайно, будучи пьяными, не упали на улице, он держал меня за руку. Мы переходили дорогу и услышали, как позади нас останавливается машина и начинается: «Вы что, *** (геи) за руки держаться? В вас выстрелить что ли?». После фразы про выстрел мне стало страшно, и я отпустили его руку. Там было несколько ребят в машине, и они кое-как удерживали того, кто угрожал нам. Я испугались и долго ещё боялись взять его за руку, хоть и была ночь и на улице никого».

Однако если конфликты всё-таки происходят, то ЛГБТК+ сложно получить помощь: «Я не чувствуем себя защищённо абсолютно. Я даже не знаем никаких организаций, которые могли бы мне помочь, да и я бы не стали обращаться за помощью. Как минимум, потому что мне ещё нет восемнадцати. Очень сложно жить и порой страшно, поэтому я учу языки, чтобы в уехать из России».

«Принимайте себя какими вы есть. Если вы до конца не понимаете кто вы и кто вас привлекает, то ЭтО нОрМаЛьНо. Вам нужно время. Не обязательно с самого детства или подросткового возраста осознать кто вы. А также окружайте себя людьми, с которыми вам комфортно и можете им доверять!»

«…отвращение к противоположному полу не возникает просто так, всегда будет то, что заставило ненавидеть»

Катя — бисексуалка

(Имя изменено по просьбе героини)

Из-за детской травмы, которая связана с мужчинами, первые отношения Кати были только с девушками: «В 15 лет я была уверена, что я отношу себя к лесбиянкам. Парни мне были противны, и на то были причины. В детстве у меня была психологическая травма, которая дала о себе знать в подростковом возрасте.

Отношение к мужчинам Катя поменяла после того, как нашла парня, который помогал ей и поддерживал в трудный момент, не требуя ничего взамен: «Однако сейчас я встречаюсь с молодым человеком, поэтому, скорее всего, отношу себя к би. Я поступила в колледж, и на первом курсе я познакомилась с одногруппником, с которым я начала общаться. Он вел себя не так, как ведут себя большинство парней: ему не нужно было потусить с девочкой, а потом «затащить» её в постель. Мы просто общались, продолжалась это около года. Он оказал мне поддержку, когда она была нужна: у моей матери были очень большие проблемы, а на мне остался весь дом. Главное, что он был рядом. На протяжении года у него не было и мысли начать отношения, как-то даже прикоснуться ко мне… Сам того не подозревая, он невольно доказал тот факт, что он не такой как остальные. Он доказал это, а я поверила ему. Я точно не ошиблась в этом человеке».

По мнению героини, сама ориентация не так важна, главное — уметь наслаждаться общением с человеком и любить: «У меня не было такого, чтобы как-то себя принимать. Я это я. Дело не в том, что я люблю именно определённый пол, а в том, что я вообще могу любить, дарить тепло и счастье человеку, который дорог мне. Тогда я не задумывалась над этим, мне просто было хорошо, я ловила хорошие моменты и наслаждалась».

Реакция матери была резкой и неожиданной: «На тот момент мне было около 15. Я подготавливала почву для нашего разговора с мамой, но она догадалась раньше. Она заметила, что изменился круг моего общения, и я на тот момент часто гуляла со своей девушкой, именно в моем районе. По ее внешнему виду можно сразу понять, что что-то не так: короткие волосы, яркий макияж. Реакция матери была не лучшая. Она плакала, очень много, молила о том, чтобы я вернулась к нормальной жизни. Для меня первый разговор на эту тему был неожиданным, она застала меня врасплох. Вообще, мама часто первая начинала разговор про ЛГБТ. Спрашивала, являюсь ли я такой сейчас, а когда я ей отвечала, она начинала впадать в агрессию, унижала меня, после чего приступила к рукоприкладству».

Помощь родителей очень важна, потому что дом — это место, где человека должны принимать таким, какой он есть: «И всё же, важна поддержка родителей. Подростков и так чаще всего гнобит общество, а если это начнётся и дома… то ребёнку будет сложно в моральном плане. То есть от него отвернулись даже самые близкие люди, на которых он всегда рассчитывал и ожидал, что в любом случае его поддержат и помогут встать во всех начинаниях и падениях».

Катя аккуратно говорила о своей ориентации, поэтому в школе обошлось без конфликтов. По мнению девушки, современное поколение обычно спокойно реагирует на людей с нетрадиционной ориентацией: «Меня не обижали в школе из-за ориентации, потому что мало кто знал об этом. Но те, кто знал, отнеслись снисходительно. Вообще, люди разные бывают, большинству сейчас уже все равно, как и что у других происходит. Подрастает новое поколение, которое не пойдёт против ЛГБТ, не станет избивать нетрадиционные пары или ещё что-то. В основном, угрозу представляют мужчины, которые выросли в СССР. Их воспитывали по-другому, и для них это дико, но это не оправдывает их поведения. Женщины чаще всего просто кидают недовольные взгляды или же начинают конфликт на повышенных тонах».

Информированность — главное, почему современные дети толерантнее родителей: «Сейчас другое воспитание — дети начинают сидеть в социальных сетях очень рано. В Интернете они видят людей с нетрадиционной ориентацией и привыкают к ним, поэтому они к этому более-менее нормально относятся».

Катя уверена, что общество станет лучше относиться к ЛГБТК+ персонам, только когда люди захотят понять их проблемы: Люди должны начать думать не только о своих интересах и чувствах. Они должны понимать, что у всех разные пути, то-то прошёл больше, кто-то меньше. Они должны учитывать то, что отвращение к противоположному полу не возникает просто так, всегда будет то, что заставило ненавидеть.

«Начни уважать других людей, тогда мир станет чуточку добрее. Все изменения в любом случае начинаются с нас самих и если ты внесешь в этот мир свое добро, это не останется незамеченным.
Все возвращается бумерангом и это нужно помнить.

Дорогие взрослые, если вы узнали,что ваш ребёнок относится к ЛГБТ, не паникуйте, не кричите и не бейтесь об стены. Попробуйте поговорить со своим ребёнком по душам, дайте ему понять, что вы в любом случае будете любить его таким, какой он есть.
Помните, даже после этой новости, он остаётся вашим ребёнком. И я уверена, что вы в любом случае не дадите его в обиду.

Дорогие подростки, те, кто был отвергнут обществом. Я не говорю конкретно про ЛГБТ, сейчас я хочу сказать обобщенно.
Многие из нас попадались в сети травли и недопонимания со стороны окружающих.
Помните, что вы не одни. Всегда найдётся тот человек, который будет всегда рядом и окажет вам поддержку. Будьте сильными, ребята. И в любом случае, все будет хорошо».

«Многие, особенно парни и взрослые мужчины не верят в асексуальность, как будто я им про единорогов рассказываю»

Неля — бисексуалка

Нелю никогда не интересовала тема секса и отношений. Повод для ее обсуждения появился только на приме у врача: «Я ходила к психотерапевту по поводу одного психологического заболевания, и за одним из разговоров мы затронули тему отношений. Меня никто в этом плане не привлекает, сексуального возбуждения нет. Мы затронули этот вопрос, когда мне было лет 14, как раз тогда, когда девочки начинают изучать свое тело. И я поняла, что не чувствую возбуждения в целом, ни к какому человеку и другим живым существам. Психотерапевт, думала, что это может быть из-за моей психологической болезни, но как потом оказалось, ничего подобного».

Родители восприняли новость об асексуальности спокойно: «Родители в курсе, так как я проходила лечение у психиатра и лежала какое-то время в психбольнице. Они сначала не поверили, мол, ну рано ещё значит, мужика нормально не было, да и отношений в целом, вырастет поймёт. Но после некоторых исследований, как у психотерапевта, так и всяких МРТ, КТ и тому подобных штук, выявилось, что это не «не нашла ещё нормального мужика», а как раз таки асексуальность. Ну, у меня родители очень в этом плане понятливые, так что, конечно, сначала немного расстроились, но сейчас все хорошо и про отношения в моем лице не говорим».

В отличии от остальных ориентаций воспринимают асексуальность как какой-то «прикол»: «Многие, особенно парни и взрослые мужчины, не верят в асексуальность, как будто я им про единорогов рассказываю. И ссылаются, что нормального мужчины не было, а когда пытаюсь объяснить, что я асексуалка, то вообще говорят — «сказала бы сразу, что ты лесбиянка». Поэтому, когда пристают на улице, говорю, что по девочкам. Так проще».

Отношения у Нели были только для прикрытия от навязчивых вопросов: «Я ни с кем никогда не встречалась, в плане серьёзных отношений. Чисто для галочки в лагерях, чтоб не трогали, делали со знакомым вид, что встречаемся. Так ему никто не предлагал отношений, потому что он со мной, и мне так же. Да и пару раз с девушками, но скорее все шло в их сторону, потому что я им объясняла ситуацию с асексуальностью, и они всегда понимали. Сейчас тоже отношений не ищу».

Жизнь асексуала – не сахар, но у других бывает и хуже: «Нас гораздо легче воспринимают, если можно так сказать. То есть на представителей ЛГБТ идёт всяческое давление со стороны общества, их всячески гнобят и даже могут избить за простое существование. Нас же, асексуалов, чаще всего никак не воспринимают, либо как какое-то отклонение, как больного человека или просто как человека, который ничего не хочет. Я думаю, что тяжелее всего геям, потому что их ненавидят больше всего. Часто люди терпеть не могут гомосексуалов, но как бы лесбияночки — это топ. А бисексуалы, да они как бы и по парням, и по девушкам, но «мы закроем глаза на одних из них и они натуралы (если отношение к мальчикам) и они би (если к девушкам), ну потому что и натуралки топ и лесбиянки». И чаще всего, когда люди говорят о ненависти к ЛГБТК+, то они скорее всего имеют в виду именно геев».

Сексуальное образование — самое главное, что должно появиться В России: «Я считаю, что секс-просвет важен, не только в сторону ЛГБТ сообщества, но и по отношению к натуралам, особенно к женскому телу. Он даст понятие, что бывает как минимум больше двух ориентацией, что люди все разные, как и их потребности и тела. Люди смогут принимать и не стыдиться своей ориентации. Понятное дело, с первых же уроков все на лад быстро не пойдёт, но спустя пару лет, все начнёт налаживаться, поэтому я считаю, что это важно. Важно чтобы люди не считали ЛГБТК+ сообщество табу».

С законом «о пропаганде…» нельзя добиться справедливости: «И конечно же законы, запрещающие любое проявление агрессии в сторону ЛГБТ, нужно отменить. Потому что у нас в правительстве закрывают глаза на то, как избивают идущих за руку девушек за то, что они лесбиянки, а суд ничего не делает».

«Хочется сказать, чтобы люди не боялись быть собой, не шугались по углам просто из-за любви к своему полу или не возможности испытывать чувства, они все те же люди. А людям, которые всячески оскорбляют и принижают людей с нетрадиционной ориентацией, хочется дать совет: «Разберитесь сначала со своими проблемами и проработайте свою личность, а уже потом лезьте к другим людям. Хотя после работы над собой, вам это не понадобится :)»»

Фото: pinterest.ru

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