Молодые люди разного возраста сталкиваются с психическими расстройствами. Но депрессия, ОКР и “биполярка” – только часть проблем, связанных с диагнозом в медицинской карте. И подростки, и взрослые переживают неприятие родителей, видят агрессию врачей и могут сами начать обесценивать свой опыт.
Я поговорила людьми, которые живут с ментальными болезнями. Они не только поделились историей лечения, но и рассказали о повседневности с нейроособенностями – симптомах, внутренней психофобии и попытках объяснить окружающим, что такое может случиться с каждым.
Юля, 22 года
Диагноз: тревожное расстройство, в разные периоды жизни то генерализованное, то паническое, 6 лет.
Первую паническую атаку я помню отчётливо. Она была долгой – длилась несколько дней. Перед глазами до сих пор момент, как я хотела заварить себе трав, чтобы успокоиться, а руки тряслись. Спустя 3 месяца неё умер дедушка. Наверное, это стало событием, которое полностью закрепило мою тревожность. Я стала бояться смерти, иногда это доходило до патологического контроля над собой и близкими.
К проблеме отнеслась спокойно, неприятия себя не было. Было понимание, что теперь с этим надо жить – и лучше это делать с минимальными потерями нервов.
Я пошла к психотерапевту спустя два или три года после начала панических атак. Это был бесплатный государственный специалист, зав. центром психического здоровья. И это был настоящий ад. Он сказал, что мне будет становиться только хуже, если не лягу в стационар, без моего согласия оформил меня туда.
Я говорила, что не могу сейчас, у меня важная практика в университете, но врач ответил: “А здоровье тебе не важно? С ума сойти хочешь совсем?”
У меня началась паника. Я заплакала, вышла, стала звонить маме. Это был представитель тех самых “дядь в белых халатах”, которыми нас пугают. В итоге не легла, но решила больше никогда не обращаться к терапевтам.
Потом волей случая нашла своего. Нужна была справка для форума, и меня отправили к нему. Он со мной поговорил, предложил прийти к нему на терапию, когда буду готова. Я сходила 3 раза, но я — плохой пациент. Бросаю лечение, когда становится чуть лучше, “закрываюсь” от специалиста. Антидепрессанты, которые он мне прописал, я так и не начала пить. Боюсь.
Ещё был опыт с терапевткой, которая сначала назначила мне гомеопатию, а потом -таблетки, повышающие тревожность. Это было даже забавно…
Сейчас спасаюсь лекарством, которое пила по назначению невролога в подростковом возрасте, и безрецептурными успокоительными. Работаю с собой, слушаю подкасты и книги о тревоге, пробую разные практики. Я не верю в то, что тревожное расстройство можно излечить таблетками – здесь нужно работать именно с сознанием.
Моя мама знает о моих панических атаках и относится к ним скептически. Я никогда не получала от нее поддержки, скорее наоборот. Хотя у нее самой есть эта проблема, она всю жизнь считает, что симптомы ПА – какая-то болезнь сердца, и глушит себя тяжёлыми препаратами.
Мои друзья и мой молодой человек – наоборот, поддерживают. Я всегда могу рассказать им обо всем, а парень даже стал инициатором моего последнего курса терапии.
Самое тяжёлое, с чем пришлось столкнуться, – осознание, что это навсегда.
Фраза, которую я повторяю себе в дни обострений – “я никогда не стану нормальной”.
Периодами могу жить без фоновой тревоги, но малейший повод для беспокойства – и меня трясет. Панические атаки у меня тяжёлые: зашкаливающий пульс, дрожь, иногда — судороги, холодный пот, тяжесть в груди и сложности с дыханием.
Обычно пытаюсь себя успокоить – раз это не исправить, надо научиться с этим существовать. Ещё мне помогает мысль, которую высказал мой психотерапевт – не надо убегать от панической атаки, надо ее прожить.
Совет для меня в начале: не бойся панических атак, так ты запускаешь замкнутый круг реакции. Не пытайся избегать стрессовых ситуаций. Запереться дома и никуда не ходить – не выход. Ты справишься с самыми тяжёлыми периодами и будешь гордиться собой. Ты прекрасна!
Даня, 23
Диагноз: F 06.69, всю жизнь. Существует большая группа заболеваний, которые имеют общее проявление – органическое поражение головного мозга. Патология подразумевает изменения нервной ткани и нарушением работы нейронов в результате гибели нервных клеток. Что именно у меня – я не знаю.
На сам диагноз ничего не влияло, это произошло при рождении, из-за защемления позвонков шейного отдела. Я всю жизнь с ним, но узнал об этом только в 2018 году, когда лежал в псих-диспансере. Там была процедура, когда тебе на голову надевают шапку и в глаза светят лазером – после неё мне и поставили F 06.69. Неприятия к себе не было, была даже надежда, что это какая-то группа инвалидности и мне будут платить просто за факт существования, но это оказалось не так.
В начале я ничего не знал и поэтому ничего не понимал. Были постоянные мигрени – ты ложишься спать с головной болью и просыпаешься от нее. Я пил антидепрессанты, потому что тогда был в депрессии, которая не была с этим связана. Ещё мне ставили уколы в течение месяца после выписки из больницы, но названий препаратов не помню, позже перестал придавать этому значение. С тех пор ничего не делал.
Как мне сказали, это не лечится, но можно проводить профилактику с помощью уколов.
Это не значит, что я умру через 5 лет, просто может раньше наступить деменция, но пока что не думаю об этом.
Моя семья знает и относится к этому максимально адекватно, насколько это возможно. Да, они переживают, но никогда не говорят.
Сильных проблем не было, как мне кажется. Всё сводилось к апатичному настроению, депрессии и мигреням. Иногда это случается и сейчас, но уже в меньшей степени.
Самое тяжелое в произошедшем – это осознать, что надо взять себя в руки и двигаться дальше. Если есть те, кто поддержат – замечательно, если нет, искать поддержку в разных людях. Я не имею в виду, что надо жаловаться и ныть, но стоит поддерживать общение и проводить вместе время, дружить, как все это делают, – ходить на ночёвки, гулять, отмечать дни рождения большими компаниями.
Совет для меня в начале – в любом случае надо двигаться вперёд и никогда не стоять на месте, не бояться перемен. Хочу напомнить себе, что расставания – это повод к встречам.
Оля, 20 лет
Диагноз: сначала депрессия, через полтора года изменился на эмоциональное расстройство личности, осложнённое депрессией. Проблемы заметила в 13 лет, но термин “расстройство” означает, что они были всегда.
Почему это началось именно в тот момент – не знаю. Но на диагноз повлияло, что в мои 5 лет мама ушла от отца, а с 5 до 17 лет я терпела избиения и домогательства.
Поняла, что состояние изменилось, когда в день школьной дискотеки долго думала, идти ли, и в итоге не пошла. До этого я считала себя экстравертом. Около 4 следующих лет я не придавала этому значения, но лет в 17 поняла, что это не нормально.
В 18 лет я судилась с отчимом из-за угрозы убийством, а через месяц после закрытия дела в первый раз обратилась к врачу.
В этот же день мне назначили антидепрессанты, чуть позже – нейролептики и транквилизаторы. Первые препараты хорошо помогли. Через 2-3 месяца я уже чувствовала, что они работают. Но при этом опыт был ужасным — моё состояние постоянно скакало, при этом было много побочных эффектов — сухость во рту, постоянная зевота, проблемы с пищеварением. Антидепрессанты я поменяла, и сейчас моя главная проблема — транквилизаторы. Единственное, что мне из них подошло – феназепам в уколах, в таблетках он почему-то не помогает. Из-за этого я вызываю скорую, когда у меня паническая атака или совершенно не могу заснуть.
Я лечусь 2 года, но видимые улучшения начались только в марте 2021. Когда лежала в больнице, мне попался хороший врач – теперь хочу к нему на психотерапию. До этого пыталась найти её все время лечения, но мне не подходили специалисты.
Моя близкие знают, но не все понимают, какой именно у меня диагноз и как со мной лучше общаться.У меня очень токсичная семья, поэтому узнали они не сразу. Когда я всё-таки рассказала, тетя смеялась надо мной, говорила, что я дура. Папа до сих считает, что психотерапевты промывают мозг и тянут деньги. Не думаю, что мне некомфортно от этого. Неприятно только, если мне что-то от них нужно – не важно, деньги или желание высказаться – а они не могут меня принять. Сейчас я научилась жить без этого. У меня есть вторая семья, которая очень сильно меня поддерживает. Когда я судилась с отчимом, я жила у них всё время лечения. Они дали мне время и возможность отдохнуть и полечиться.
Самое тяжелое – наверное, сама я. До сих пор тяжело принять себя “больную”.
Мне иногда бывает стыдно, что я хожу на психотерапию. Справляюсь с этим тем, что смотрю и слушаю нейробиологов. Например, последние 3 месяца мне очень помогает, слова Аси Казанцевой, что раздражённость и грусть тяжело ощущаются из-за того, что ты просто не поел, не попил, не поспал или не подвигался.
Полезно смотреть на человека “с высоты”, как на явление. Наверное, тревога так разрушительна из-за того, что заставляет нас быть внутри неё и не мочь посмотреть со стороны.
Совет для меня в начале: мне бы помогло бесстрашие перед всем этим. Всегда хочется побыстрее оказаться там, где это уже закончилось. Но я забываю, что чтобы смотреть на что-то, как на пройденный этап, нужно действительно это пройти. Другим бы посоветовала сходить ко врачу.
Коля, 21
Диагноз: F32.1/F32.2 – депрессивные эпизоды средней и тяжелой степени, 8 лет. F48.0 – неврастения (10 лет)
Наибольшее влияние на него имели предрасположенность, среда, отношения с родственниками. У меня достаточно развит навык рефлексии, так что изменение состояния заметил сразу. Первые полгода-год не понимал, почему это происходит именно со мной, но непринятия как такового не было.
У меня прошло несколько консультаций со специалистами в разные периоды, но сейчас не я нахожусь в терапии. В самые тяжелые эпизоды не было сил обратиться за помощью, а в остальное время справлялся сам. Сейчас стараюсь отслеживать изменения своего состояния, следить за соматическими проявлениями, ритмом жизни, в общем, делаю все, чтобы избежать сильных рецидивов.
Моя семья не думает об этом как о реально существующей проблеме. Я стараюсь не поднимать эту тему после нескольких попыток обсуждения. Большая часть друзей в курсе, относятся спокойно/понимающе.
Самое тяжёлое, с чем пришлось столкнуться – соматические симптомы, например, триада Протопопова. Ещё были проблемы с памятью и переживанием позитивных эмоций. Тяжело в периоды, когда занятия, которые раньше нравились, не приносят никакого удовольствия, при этом появляются усталость и отчаяние.
Очень выматывает, когда ты не чувствуешь ничего неделями – я бы назвал это ощущение “хочу хотеть чего-то”.
В такие периоды я стараюсь поддерживать хотя бы режим питания, гигиену и сон, насколько это возможно. Это нужно, чтобы потом, когда ментальное состояние улучшится, не разгребать все ухудшения соматического характера.
Совет для меня в начале – сразу обратиться к специалисту, чем раньше – тем лучше. Не скрывай от понимающих близких, тебе очень поможет их помощь и поддержка.
Аня, 22 года
Диагноз: биполярное аффективное расстройство (БАР), предположительно развилось в подростковом возрасте. СДВГ.
Я уже кое-что знала об этой болезни, но долго не могла поверить в происходящее – не понимала особенности биполярных эпизодов. Например, временной рубеж депрессивного состояния должен составлять 2 недели, но просчитать их было сложно. Чаще всего меня сбивала значительная перемена в состоянии.
Я боялась, что у меня депрессия, но была рада узнать и подтвердить диагноз – БАР. Сразу стала думать, как с этим жить, но при этом надо было погрустить над тем, что сейчас это не излечимо полностью.
Сейчас наблюдаюсь у психиатра и лечусь медикаментозно. Мне повезло – мой специалист готов бесплатно проконсультировать как психотерапевт, а побочных явлений от препаратов почти не было. По рекомендации врача веду дневник настроений. Считаю, что это полезно всем – привычка замечать свои состояния развивает самосознание и расширяет кругозор.
О диагнозе знают некоторые члены семьи и друзья. Я занималась психоактивизмом и говорила о лечении в Instagram. Мне это было нужно, не жалею. К ментальным проблемам отнеслись по-разному. От друзей и знакомых иногда получала поддержку, негатива не помню вообще. В интернете были благодарность и солидарность.
С семьей прошли все стадии принятия. Понимание проблемы у нас разное даже сейчас, но это не доставляет неудобств. Тем более, поддержки было не меньше, чем неприятного.
От отца мне достались особенности психики, и именно ему было тяжелее всех принять ситуацию. У нас испортились отношения, никогда до этого они не были настолько плохими. Я пыталась до него донести, что худшее, что можно сделать – усугублять.
Папа понимал с трудом, мог накричать, впервые в семье меня буквально гнобили.
После этих событий прошел год, сейчас мы нормально общаемся. Не знаю, что именно поменяло в мышлении папы время, но что-то – да. Наши отношения лучше, чем когда-либо.
Совет для меня в начале — учиться доверять и не доверять себе. Не все наши эмоции оправданы, нужно учиться смотреть на своё состояние “со стороны” – это развивает. Вместе с этим важно не забывать про доверие к себе. Забавный момент: можно быть довольной, шутить и даже смеяться разумом, когда биохимия отрезает возможность чувствовать.
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